Retreat

I've just come to the end of the third week of this month's White Tara retreat - this was definitely the most intense so far, partly because of what was coming up in my mind, but also because I chose to do it under much stricter conditions of near-complete silence and solitude. I used to think retreat was a blissful haven, an escape from the world, a time of peace and carefree joy. I think it probably is if you've made a lot of spiritual progress, but for the likes of ordinary samsaric beings like myself, it can be a rough old ride. A bit like a trip to the dental hygienist....

The reason being that, without the usual distractions of life and because of the purity of the practice (the lineage, the prayers, the deity's blessing), a great deal of CRAP gets exposed!! Happily this is the very point of retreat, and indeed of practice, but it can get very uncomfortable and downright painful. The secret is to keep going. Trusting that in doing so, all this dug-up material will gradually transform into the positive qualities of wisdom, understanding, compassion.

So last week I had to confront lots of difficult, sticky stuff around relationships - and particularly around having children. I have found myself in the early stages of what could definitely be described as a relationship, and the issue of children has already come up. When asked if I wanted them, interestingly I really didn't know. Couldn't find an answer. Except to feel that this was a massive block of fear.

So - into the silent week to meet that fear.

On the way, I looked into why it is I mistrust and fear relationships so much - and experience them as confusing and painful things as often as I experience them as rich, rewarding, happy things. "A Course in Miracles" gave me the answer ... put into words the emotional realisation I've gradually had over the years but not been able to articulate clearly. It seems that most of us seek "dream relationships", and as soon as we are in one, or meet someone we are very attracted to, a whole drama kicks off. This is basically an ego-drama: the ego gets very attached to the object of its "affection", dreaming dreams of happy futures, of security within its "special relationship". The problem is that, if the ego's dreams aren't fulfilled, it gets very angry and the love turns to hate in a matter of seconds, Mr or Miss Wonderful is suddenly blacker than the devil him/herself, accused and blamed, attacked and rejected. The ego does not love at all. It uses another person to prop itself up, and if that other person doesn't comply, there's all hell to play.

I see that dynamic in myself - perhaps to a lesser extreme than might be in the crazed jealous ex-lover who decides to kill the person they love so no one else can have them - but it is there nonetheless. And every time I see it in myself, I know I am harming the other person.

It's very, very uncomfortable to observe and own up to this. But it explains a lot of the insanity that comes over me, and many other people, as soon as the prospect or reality of a dream relationship appears. I can contain it better than I could, but it's still there -

However, all is not lost!! It seems that, although trying to make these dream relationships work is doomed to failure - if you're lucky. If you succeed, it's likely to end up being a really destructive, unhappy scenario - this does not mean that relationships should be abandoned and discarded. They can be transformed. They can be made "holy". This seems to come about naturally as a result of the spiritual journey we undertake for ourselves, where we seek to overcome the distorting, damaging impact of the ego and open ourselves to the real love inside. Which is not dependent on anyone else for its happiness or peace or security. It is what is there already - and it is something we can share with another. To really love is to be secure within oneself, unattached in terms of needing another, and therefore open to who they really are - and what they do, whether we like it or not. We don't lose ourselves in another in the vain hope that we will be complete through loving another... we are already found and so the other is always and eternally free. Just as are we.

So these fresh insights help me to come back to some senses as I embark on another new relationship. A little more aware and perhaps able to pre-empt some of the dangers and pitfalls rather than hurl myself headlong into them. we'll see.

Meanwhile, the issue of children.... another day. Interesting one!

None of this of course has very much to do with Karmapa himself, and protecting his long life! Except that whenever any of us do practice and overcome a few more of the obstacles that obscure realisation/enlightenment, he is fulfilling his purpose in being here. He is here for us. Having attained enlightenment there is no further need for him to be here for himself; he is here because of the promise to help beings to enlightenment, to alleviate suffering and its causes. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own enlightenment, but with the blessing and help of beings such as Karmapa, we are going to make much swifter and more certain progress. In doing this retreat for Karmapa, I have come to realise how much more he is doing for me - without perhaps even knowing that I exist.