London
Tara on Tour
I reached London this morning, after a meandering journey down through Yorkshire, Manchester, Leamington and Oxford. I'm at my brother's flat now in West Hampstead. It's good to be back, but the first feelings have been sad and tears have flowed as photos of Dad remind me that he's not here anymore. This is the first time I've been back since he died, and the last time I saw him was here - when we stayed at the flat together here; Rupert and I were looking after him while Juliet was away in Italy for a week. I remember looking at him for the last time as he sat in the armchair wondering if I'd see him again. Dad didn't really engage with the reality of his dying, which helped in some ways because it allowed us all to be in the present moment and to live the life that was manifesting there and then. But it didn't make conversation very easy and I always felt we were avoiding the subject of what was actually going on - because the feelings around it were frightening and difficult. I always had a lot of feeling around and for Dad, and he found this uncomfortable - which tended to create tension, resulting in misunderstanding and the occasional extreme outburst of emotion from me!!
Relationships with parents are very deep and the connections very strong. Coming back into the "stream" of family is usually an emotional time for me and I often dread it. Not because there is anything fundamentally wrong with anyone - in fact, I have a very good family - but because of the conflict within myself. Between belonging and not belonging. Between loving and being driven mad. Between wanting to "stay" and to be with everyone and needing to leave and go my own way. I was a psychological and emotional mess for many, many years and whether this was caused by family dynamics or contributed to them isn't really very clear. Probably both. It's been a tough, painful and often lonely path trying to work with all the "stuff" but I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do so - and aware that much of the pain and confusion was/is simply the result of being a human being. Ultimately there is no blame or fault anywhere: we are, as humans, caught in the multiple webs of "ignorance" and do all sorts of things to each other which are unskilful and hurtful, as well as kind and loving.
Buddhist regard the human realm as a "blessed rebirth", because there is the opportunity to make real progress in terms of understanding the true nature of mind/reality. This is because of suffering. In some of the other realms, such as the "god realm" where everything is wonderful the entire time and people have a period of living without suffering, there is no motivation to change. The problem is that eventually the karma for such an experience is exhausted and the shock of falling to less pleasant realms is very great - and there are no resources to cope with this. So - although the human realm is full of suffering, this acts as a spur to make the kind of changes that will one day bring about the end of illusory mind and the dawning of enlightened mind.
So - suffering is good! Or rather, it is inevitable - and therefore, from the spiritual point of view, a good thing if it triggers a willingness to turn away from the traps and temptations and empty pleasures of worldly life. Many people feel that religions are punishing, that they breed a kind of miserable, bitter self-denial or that they condemn people if people don't follow the rules. This does happen, but I think this happens because spiritual truth in the hands of ordinary people leads to misinterpretation, misunderstanding and all sorts of strange behaviour and ideas. From my understanding of Buddhism, there is nothing wrong with worldly life - it's just that it is a false god, and will offer us nothing of any substance at the end of the day if it is pursued for itself alone. We are not ultimately worldy beings; we are spiritual beings living a worldy existence for a short period of time. And our suffering comes when the bigger picture of reality impinges on our ideas of how things should be... it opens us, therefore, to the Truth.
It's often said that the Truth is far too much for us to bear. The light too bright. The experience too shattering. When we die, we have an experience of this light. Buddhism talks about this as a point of liberation. If we recognise this light, and recognise it as ourselves, we are liberated from the compulsory cycle of birth and death, from karma. Most of us are afraid when we see the light and prefer what is familiar: we shy away and are once again caught on the winds of karma, destined to take rebirth somewhere. In a human realm if we are fortunate.
I had a strange experience last week whilst at Samye Ling that made me think of this teaching. It was whilst I was in the Guru Rinpoche empowerment ceremony, and had gone up to the teacher leading the initiation for a blessing. This always reminds me of going up to take communion with a priest. After his blessing, we all moved along a line of lamas who held sacred objects and individually touched us on the head or hands with each one. Towards the end of the line, one of the lamas appeared to make the sign of the cross above my head before pouring some amrita (blessed drink) into my hand. I was so shocked and all of a sudden everything in my mind stopped and there was just an experience of incredible light. I was frightened by this - and turned away from it. It would have overwhelmed me completely and ended every idea I had about myself.
When I was reminded of the death experience, and of this point of liberation, I realised perhaps this was a glimpse of the same thing. And like most people, I was not prepared for it, not able to take advantage of this experience - and so returned to ordinary view and "myself". It's a shame!! But it's also very useful to see what happened. And to appreciate how hard it really is to get beyond the mind that grasps so strongly at its self-constructed reality. This is perhaps why spiritual traditions encourage us to train our minds, to prepare ourselves, for these moments of unexpected liberation - so that one day, we can merge with this light and go beyond the illusion and limitations of ordinary mind.
Meanwhile.... as far as the Tara Peace Pilgrimage is concerned, I'm closer now to the placing of the Third Tara. She who is concerned with water-related dangers..
I reached London this morning, after a meandering journey down through Yorkshire, Manchester, Leamington and Oxford. I'm at my brother's flat now in West Hampstead. It's good to be back, but the first feelings have been sad and tears have flowed as photos of Dad remind me that he's not here anymore. This is the first time I've been back since he died, and the last time I saw him was here - when we stayed at the flat together here; Rupert and I were looking after him while Juliet was away in Italy for a week. I remember looking at him for the last time as he sat in the armchair wondering if I'd see him again. Dad didn't really engage with the reality of his dying, which helped in some ways because it allowed us all to be in the present moment and to live the life that was manifesting there and then. But it didn't make conversation very easy and I always felt we were avoiding the subject of what was actually going on - because the feelings around it were frightening and difficult. I always had a lot of feeling around and for Dad, and he found this uncomfortable - which tended to create tension, resulting in misunderstanding and the occasional extreme outburst of emotion from me!!
Relationships with parents are very deep and the connections very strong. Coming back into the "stream" of family is usually an emotional time for me and I often dread it. Not because there is anything fundamentally wrong with anyone - in fact, I have a very good family - but because of the conflict within myself. Between belonging and not belonging. Between loving and being driven mad. Between wanting to "stay" and to be with everyone and needing to leave and go my own way. I was a psychological and emotional mess for many, many years and whether this was caused by family dynamics or contributed to them isn't really very clear. Probably both. It's been a tough, painful and often lonely path trying to work with all the "stuff" but I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do so - and aware that much of the pain and confusion was/is simply the result of being a human being. Ultimately there is no blame or fault anywhere: we are, as humans, caught in the multiple webs of "ignorance" and do all sorts of things to each other which are unskilful and hurtful, as well as kind and loving.
Buddhist regard the human realm as a "blessed rebirth", because there is the opportunity to make real progress in terms of understanding the true nature of mind/reality. This is because of suffering. In some of the other realms, such as the "god realm" where everything is wonderful the entire time and people have a period of living without suffering, there is no motivation to change. The problem is that eventually the karma for such an experience is exhausted and the shock of falling to less pleasant realms is very great - and there are no resources to cope with this. So - although the human realm is full of suffering, this acts as a spur to make the kind of changes that will one day bring about the end of illusory mind and the dawning of enlightened mind.
So - suffering is good! Or rather, it is inevitable - and therefore, from the spiritual point of view, a good thing if it triggers a willingness to turn away from the traps and temptations and empty pleasures of worldly life. Many people feel that religions are punishing, that they breed a kind of miserable, bitter self-denial or that they condemn people if people don't follow the rules. This does happen, but I think this happens because spiritual truth in the hands of ordinary people leads to misinterpretation, misunderstanding and all sorts of strange behaviour and ideas. From my understanding of Buddhism, there is nothing wrong with worldly life - it's just that it is a false god, and will offer us nothing of any substance at the end of the day if it is pursued for itself alone. We are not ultimately worldy beings; we are spiritual beings living a worldy existence for a short period of time. And our suffering comes when the bigger picture of reality impinges on our ideas of how things should be... it opens us, therefore, to the Truth.
It's often said that the Truth is far too much for us to bear. The light too bright. The experience too shattering. When we die, we have an experience of this light. Buddhism talks about this as a point of liberation. If we recognise this light, and recognise it as ourselves, we are liberated from the compulsory cycle of birth and death, from karma. Most of us are afraid when we see the light and prefer what is familiar: we shy away and are once again caught on the winds of karma, destined to take rebirth somewhere. In a human realm if we are fortunate.
I had a strange experience last week whilst at Samye Ling that made me think of this teaching. It was whilst I was in the Guru Rinpoche empowerment ceremony, and had gone up to the teacher leading the initiation for a blessing. This always reminds me of going up to take communion with a priest. After his blessing, we all moved along a line of lamas who held sacred objects and individually touched us on the head or hands with each one. Towards the end of the line, one of the lamas appeared to make the sign of the cross above my head before pouring some amrita (blessed drink) into my hand. I was so shocked and all of a sudden everything in my mind stopped and there was just an experience of incredible light. I was frightened by this - and turned away from it. It would have overwhelmed me completely and ended every idea I had about myself.
When I was reminded of the death experience, and of this point of liberation, I realised perhaps this was a glimpse of the same thing. And like most people, I was not prepared for it, not able to take advantage of this experience - and so returned to ordinary view and "myself". It's a shame!! But it's also very useful to see what happened. And to appreciate how hard it really is to get beyond the mind that grasps so strongly at its self-constructed reality. This is perhaps why spiritual traditions encourage us to train our minds, to prepare ourselves, for these moments of unexpected liberation - so that one day, we can merge with this light and go beyond the illusion and limitations of ordinary mind.
Meanwhile.... as far as the Tara Peace Pilgrimage is concerned, I'm closer now to the placing of the Third Tara. She who is concerned with water-related dangers..
posted by Anna Howard | 3:40 AM
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